None at present. RIP John Crotty. Just kidding. But I just needed a GOD category where I’d put the Kidds and the Nashes and the Battiers.
II. BASKETBALL SMART
MARCUS CAMBY – Camby almost might be too smart. Dude could lead the league in boards and blocks, get three steals a game and shoot 50% if he went hard. There’s nothing on the court he can’t do, on those nights when he decided to throw up 17 20 6 4 and 4. He can pass, he can go to the rack. If he wanted to be some kind of hero, he would also get two to three putback dunks a game.
This stuff isn't physical. He has exceptional feel for the game at both ends of the floor. Sammy Dalembert cannot do this stuff. But Marcus lays low for now, protecting his fragile body, not jumping pick and rolls, half-assing man-to-man defense, and unleashing the slowest jumper in the world from the top of the key (which he makes at an almost-respectable clip). Dude is playing lots of games, and putting up numbers as an old-ass dude, but if you watch him every night, you realize that he’s only giving you what he needs to. Still blocks shots. This laying low is kind of another sign of his IQ, the fact that he can go half speed and affect the outcome of every game.
So do I put him up here, cuz he understands the whole game and picks his spots? Or do I drop his down cuz he could dominate (could be MVP-level IMO, not joking) and settles for very good. I’m putting him up here cuz I like his interviews. Dude is better than John Lynch with the clichés. You almost believe them!
EDDIE NAJERA – Cuz he fucking cuts to the basket. Takin notes Nene? J.R.? Eddie also shows hard on pick-and-rolls, makes mostly smart passes, and finishes on the other side of the rim cuz he can’t jump anymore.
Good player. He looks stupider than he is cuz he runs around like a dying chicken all the time, but don’t hate, it got him a contract.(Incidentally, I wish he would play on the Mexico team and gets his twenty shots a game. That would be hilarious. He was good as hell in college! Like 18 ppg!)
III. I THINK HE GETS IT!
MELO – Quick shots. No more than three (maybe four) dribbles. Minimizes the jab step jumpers (although he can’t resist one once a quarter). Posts up everyone. Doesn’t shoot threes (til he started making ‘em at the end of the year). Bottom line: Melo is coachable as fuck. He could just be Jerry Stackhouse circa ’99, dropping 28 on 39%, but he took Karl’s advice and gets significantly better every year. Maybe every game. Last year the Spurs couldn’t stop him in the playoffs and he was paying 1 on 5. He can pass too, people just don’t like to admit it. Give him two Eddie Najeras instead of one and he gets 6 apg no sweat.
Okay, fine, he’s coachable on one end of the floor. That’s why he’s down here in Category Three. He’s been falling asleep on D since AAU games. Karl tries, I think. At least, he seems to really be chewing those cough drops. Real thoughtful like.
But Melo remains awful off the ball on D, mediocre on it. That’s gotta change. I don’t give him a pass just like I don’t give one to Dominique. Your best player can’t sleepwalk through half the game.
KENYON MARTIN – I don’t even remember what he looks like anymore, but I hear he’s got 4% body fat! Which would be awesome if he wasn’t and undersized Big Forward with no post game. But I Digress. K-Mart’s smarter than you think. He stays out of the way until clean up time, when he swoops in for the alley oop or the put back. He learned how to play aggressive chest-pounding defense without drawing too many cheap fouls. He is scary without getting too many Ts. Of course, I may be talking about the deceased right now.
He’s a dude who uses his athleticism with a certain degree of intelligence and subtlety, but if he loses it then he’s not even post-injury LaPhonso, cuz of that nasty looking jumper and the “handles”. But remember that dunk at the end of the Clips game last year. Holy shit, that was KENYON, you know? And one of those knees had already been done. Pray for the other.
(Also he goal tends way too much for a dude who can’t block shots for shit (the latter of which is not his fault, cuz he’s fucking smaller than Melo)) (used to could, in smaller ponds)
IV. YOU TAKE THE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD
Nene – Dude passes like a soccer player, draws charges, has a bunch of quick/strong post moves, has quick hands and feet on D and O. Dude also fouls everyone, finishes far less often than his high shooting percentage would have you believe (I know that doesn’t make sense, but watch the game. Watch the lefty finger rolls spin out.), gets morbidly obese at a moment’s notice and still doesn’t speak any English. Hell he might not even speak Portugese.
I may be penalizing Nene for his General intelligence, rather than his BBIQ but I already wrote it. He could still be very good. Such are his gifts.
A.I. –
He is an all-time great and he doesn’t have a position. He’s too good not to play but maybe too weird to succeed. He does what he does and you know what that’s gonna be. Everyone knows.
V. WHAT WAS THAT!?!
LINAS KLEIZA – God, but he tries, doesn’t he?
He gets the white boy treatment by the announcers and the ‘best work ethic ever’ from the coaches, but dude still can’t figure it out. If he’s not shooting, dunking, or boarding, dude is lost. Hell, if he hesitates for a second on a three, it’s as good as done. He is a born athlete, fast and strong and fairly explosive, but he is not a born basketball player. And so they put his 235 ass out there on the perimeter. Ha! (Could still be good, contributed last year, etc. I’m not hating, just saying.)
YAKHOUBA DIAWARA – He can D up, but it’s that kind of D where he gets blinders and just is up on dude’s chest for the whole play. Which is valuable. It’s kind of why he’s in the League.
But on offense, well, you can tell he played post until like two weeks ago. Dude is scared to make a swing pass. He’ll make a three once in a while, but if he’s gonna be this pretarded on offense, he’s gotta be Ben Wallace on D and he’s not. Even Bruce Bowen runs to the right spot and makes the shot.Z. SPECIAL NEEDS
J.R. Smith – He’s like if you made a character in a video game and spent all your points on Jumping, Three Point Shooting, Speed, Size, etc, and ended up with 0 awareness.
It’d be cool to jump into his body for a day. Yeah, you heard me, I just said I want to be inside J.R.
Of course, you gotta say: He’s Young! He might just figure it out!
?. PENDING FURTHER OBSERVATION
ANTHONY CARTER – seems smart, but maybe he’s just hard-nosed and not very good.
STEPHEN HUNTER – What he does doesn’t need smarts…which is good, cuz from what I’ve seen…
PLASTIC MAN – I don’t think he’s very smart, but I always liked him.
VON WAFER – I’m guessing he’s got a low BBIQ cuz his skill set is there and he’s athletic as fuck, but he's been chillin in the D-League for a year or two. There's gotta be a screw loose. But then I go: isn’t he kind of a combo guard? You can’t be fully stupid if you can play the point. We'll see, this man is on Hytop's radar.
And, of course, the most hilarious signing of the offseason:
(Shit, maybe he’s been Sam Cassel all along!! A man can dream.)
NOTE: ALL STATS ARE NOT RESEARCHED>>>THEY ARE TOP OF THE DOME AND MAY BE WRONG>>>CORRECT ME>>>HYTOP OUT
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